she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
