I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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