dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
