This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
