Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I need a beard to bite.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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