Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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