I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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