so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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