Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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