I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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