she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
wanna go halves on a baby?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
