He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
