you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
