cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
