Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
