Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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