I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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