I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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