Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
