I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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