Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
