First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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