my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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