Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
