You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
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i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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