listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
