Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
