i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
