Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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