Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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