If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
