I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
