I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
