The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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