I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
