hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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