Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
