Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am available for nakedness
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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