She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
