He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
