I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They took my balls.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
