my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
