Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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