I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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