Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
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Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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