Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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