I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
