dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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