Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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