South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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