My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
high people should be assigned attendants
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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