sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
