these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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