a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
