shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
