grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
