Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
